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Siri Thinks I’m Suicidal

Day #2

I say the name of iPhone’s Siri like Jerry Seinfeld said “Newman.”

With lots of disdain and frustration.

Siri barely tolerates me.

I swear she blows me off and actually sighs 
when I ask her questions.

I’ve tried to change her voice to an Australian man several times 
but it keeps defaulting back to the agitated, annoyed Siri.

She likes to snub me.

She LOVES Monte.

Friday night Monte and I were picking up take out for dinner.

While we were waiting for our food,

I got the sensation to sneeze so suddenly that I only had time to turn my head 

and OPEN MOUTH ACHOO into the empty drinking glasses of a woman walking by.

She gave me the longest, dirtiest look.

I explained the whole sneezing scene to Monte that he somehow missed and even though I started the story defensive and somewhat put out by the woman’s scorn, there’s just no way to not agree with that woman’s disgust.


On the drive home Monte tried to get Siri to play the new Twenty One Pilots song, “Heathens.”

It’s like Siri KNEW I was in the car and had just open mouthed sneezed
into a poor lady's drinking glasses.

Siri quickly said, WITH ATTITUDE, she didn’t have the song.

I mentioned that maybe it was under the Suicide Squad soundtrack.

Before Monte had time to request that soundtrack, Siri very loudly asked,

“Do I need to contact the Suicide Hotline 
for you?”

Even though Monte was holding the phone, 
it was understood that she was talking to me.

I could feel her beady Siri eyes of judgement on me.

While Monte was laughing so hard he almost ran the car off the road,

I grabbed the phone as Siri asked the question again,

“Do I need to contact the Suicide Hotline 
for you?”

 a Yes or No button popped up on the screen for me to push.

I quickly pushed NO, 
for the love of Pete.

Monte wiped tears from his eyes and said,

“Siri thinks you’re suicidal!”


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