Sunday, July 13, 2014

Weekend Observations

Ellie and I took Nigel to the vet Friday.

He had to have his anal glands expressed.

Yeah, that’s a thing.

No one talked about that with Lassie

or Marmaduke

or Snoopy.


Carisa told me that’s what he needed the day before 
when he was dragging his behind on the carpet .
She is a dog genius.

But on the way to the vet office, Ellie and I saw this THING pull out from the bike path by our house right in front of us.

It was neon green and the guy on it was wearing a matching neon green helmet that had all the seriousness of Tour De France. (With the aerodynamic pointy back and everything.)

The THING had really high handlebars. So high that his hands were almost shoulder height.

It had a front wheel and a back wheel but they were REALLY far apart to allow for the elliptical type pedaling that was happening in between while he was in the STANDING POSITION.

So. Much. Going. On.

He was working the elliptical part really fast 
for as slow as he was moving.

Ellie asked,

“Is he a villain?”

She went on to say that he reminded her of the Green Goblin from the Spiderman movie.

Green Goblin
No disrespect to either party.

I thought that his poor wife clearly had lost a very seriously fought battle. The kind that involved her saying things like,

“Please. Don’t. No! Really! I’m serious!"


“Don’t get the neon green. If you MUST order that THING, 
don’t get the neon green!”


“A matching helmet? Really?! In the same neon green??!!”


“You won’t be riding it in public, will you? Maybe just a spin to the end of the driveway and back?”

And definitely,

“It costs HOW MUCH??!!”

I just did a little search and as it turns out, it’s not called “The THING”  or “Doofmobile”.

It’s an elliptical bike. 
(Only slightly more descriptive than my names.)

Elliptical bike
The one we saw was neon ALL OVER. And the
handlebars were taller.

This model cost over $1700 with some models over $3,000.

While on a website for these bikes I found out that July 12th was International Elliptical Bike Day. 

We saw the THING on July 11th, so I bet he was gearing up for the big day.

I wonder if he asked his wife to make a cake.
Or permission to leave the driveway
and actually take the THING on the bike path.

Yesterday morning Ellie and I ran an errand and on the way home we saw some spray painted graffiti in large letters that read:



I confirmed that Ellie indeed had seen it too.

It reminded us of the word MOIST graffiti 
we saw in a few different spots in Alabama
over Spring Break.

We pondered the who and why’s of the FIBER graffiti situation.

I noticed it was in close proximity to two nursing homes.

Maybe that was just the kind of tomfoolery and horseplay one can expect from an elderly prankster/graffiti artist.

And there was a bit of a public service message with it too.


It’s good. 

It’s healthy.

It makes a good day great.

So we called Monte to share our funny observation when he asked where the graffiti was.

I explained it looked like a big metal electrical box.

He explained,

“Fiber, as in cable or fiber optics."


So it was more of an instruction 
than a public service message.

As in,

“Put fiber cable here."

And just like that, 

all funny images of elderly men or women in cardigans 
giggling in the middle of the night with spray cans in hand, 
one looking out for “the authorities” 
and one doing the spraying, 

were gone.


And yet the words “anal glands expressed”

and the image of Green Goblin riding the THING is clear as a bell.

And still less irritating to me than a recumbent bike.

Green Goblin with cartoon bubble saying, “Happy Elliptical Bike Day!"


  1. Having spent quite a bit of time in nursing homes over the past couple of years visiting grandparents, I LOVE the image of the senior "hooligans" in cardigans spraying "Fiber" haha! WAY more funny than fiber optic : )

  2. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Damn I love you! I want to see the Green Goblin on the Elliptical Bike!!! And I think that it was 'senior graffiti day' on perhaps the elliptical bike day... I mean they go perfectly hand in hand!

    AND??? If it was Fiber Optic- then where on earth is the OPTIC??? Stick to your story.

  3. Are you sure that guy is married? If he is, that's some woman!

    I prefer your version of events leading to the "fiber" graffiti.


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