You Might Be Getting Older If…

There are just so many answers to that.

But I’m only going to say these:

You Might Be Getting Older If…

1) You order reading glasses online.

I’m sorry, Sumita, this is throwing you under the bus since you did it first, were so happy with them and then told me about it and so therefore I immediately ordered some too.

The only reason I HAD to order them online is because it is IMPOSSIBLE to find 1.00 reading glasses. IM. POSS. IBLE. When I FINALLY did (at CVS), I was so excited to get the hard plastic tag off the nose piece that I scratched the lens with the blade of the scissors. RIGHT WHERE MY LINE OF VISION IS.

I can’t see out of them!

So in my defense of getting old, SOCIETY AT LARGE forced me to go online with this purchase.

***BREAKING NEWS***

I just got my glasses in the mail as I typed this. 

Dear. Word.

There is a good reason there is a mirror by the glasses section at CVS. 

Because YOU NEED TO TRY THEM ON AND SEE WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE ON YOUR FACE.

Because one pair makes me look like an 86-year-old man.

What was I thinking?!

Maybe I’ll wear them when I want to
embarrass the girls.
Or myself.

The other pair looks acceptable.

Which is why there are no photos.

So there’s that.

2) You fall down in the shower.

One minute I was sudsing up my hair, the next I was staring at the ceiling wondering what crazy pinball ricochet waterslide I’d just been on.

And also why the left half of my backside was in pain.

And then MOSTLY why it took a full 10 minutes for someone to holler through the door,

“You alright??”

I mean if I heard a large boom followed by a long silence, 

I’d check out the situation.

In my defense, the bathtub drain has been clogged for most of the winter causing a very slow drain after showers and leaving lots of filmy product on the surface of the tub. I usually wipe it out before every shower but the drain had recently been fixed and I thought all was good to go.

Nope.

Do they still sell those sticky flower things we all had in the 70s?

SOURCE
Remember these?

I need to go visit that aisle at Lowes.

Or the aisle with handrails for the shower.

Or wherever it is that sells those necklaces that I can holler in,

“I’ve fallen and no one in my house cares!"

3)  You wish you had brought a pillow to sit on for the bleachers at your daughter’s track meet.

They are cement. No aluminum or wood bench. Just all cement. 

It made the deep tissue injury on the left half of my backside angry.

So I kept leaning over on the OTHER half of my backside to relieve the pressure and pain of the injurious half.

I know I probably grimaced in pain.

Maybe even let out a little grunt or moan.

It hurt.

It took a few times of doing that before it occurred to me that it probably looked like I was doing SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT to all the other people in the bleachers.

Something NOT AT ALL having to do with falling in the shower and hurting the left half of my backside and MUCH MORE like “letting one go” after a bad bean burrito.

And I was all by myself.

So I texted the scenario and Carisa said I should just assume that people would find the whole situation “fascinating” as I would INDEED find a lady sitting all by herself, propped up on one cheek fascinating.

Then she said to just “go with it” and make hand gestures as one would 

to a semi-truck to get him to honk his horn.

Which I. Could. Not. Even. 

So I resorted to hoping people just thought I had hemorrhoids.

4)  Gardening

No, gardening is not for old people. Gardening is ageless and timeless. I love to garden and plan my garden and check on my garden and talk about my garden to anyone who lets me.

When I was standing watching Ellie throw the discus (I know--and she’s good at it) another mom and dear friend hollered over to me that she forgot to bring a seed catalog to me. (She’s one that lets me talk about my garden to her).

I’m not sure why. 

But it was the straw that broke the 100 year-old camel’s back. 

I walked over to her, grabbed her arm and told her all about falling in the shower and feeling old and asking her if she knew where I could get those sticky flower things we had in the 70s.

Then I caught my breath long enough to see that two elderly women flanked her.

They looked at me smiling, dear sweet wise smiles.

They probably were thinking,

“Oh just you wait, honey!"