Saturday, January 18, 2014

The Pants with No One Inside Them

Remember that Dr. Seuss story about the green pants with no one inside them?

I was walking in the night
And I saw nothing scary.
For I have never been afraid
Of anything. Not very.

Then I was deep within the woods
When, suddenly, I spied them.
I saw a pair of pale green pants
With nobody inside them!

That used to give me the heebie jeebies!

Monte too.

Later in the story:

I said, “I do not fear those pants
With nobody inside them.”
I said, and said, and said those words.
I said them. But I lied them.

Monte had a incident with a pair of pants with no one inside them.

And it creeped him out. 

Like in the Dr. Seuss story.

He called me from work a few days ago and the first words out of his mouth were,

"Something just happened that is blog-worthy."

Which is basically a signed waiver 
giving me permission to post this.

I asked Monte to write this post from his perspective but he suggested an interview type format instead.

So, here goes.

Me:  What happened?

Monte:  On my lunch break at the gym, I put my work clothes in the locker and my gym bag under the bench in the locker room. After working out and showering, I noticed my jeans and belt on the floor by my bag, which confused me.

Me:  Why did it confuse you?

Monte:  Because I didn’t wear jeans that day, my khakis were in the locker.

Me:  So what did you do?

Monte:  I thought that maybe my jeans were in my bag and had fallen out when I pulled out my workout clothes.

Me:  Did you ever think someone had rifled through your bag?

Monte:  Nope.

Me:  Why is this a blog-worthy story?

Monte:  I was still confused about why the jeans were outside my bag. But I shoved them back in and forgot about it. No big deal. No story…yet.

Me: So…

Monte:  The next day was “jeans day” at work and I pulled the jeans out of my gym bag BUT as I put them on something didn’t feel right. The waist fit right but they were too long. I took them off and looked at them closer and realized that the length was 2 inches longer than I wear and the belt was a little different. These weren’t mine! I realized I was a thief. But not a normal thief--a thief that steals someone’s jeans while they are working out.

Me:  So what did you do with the jeans?

Monte:  I was panicked. My first reaction was to throw them away and pretend it didn’t happen.

Me:  You really wanted to throw them away? In our house?! You never considered waking me up to tell me of the stranger’s pants in our house?

Monte:  No. But I didn't throw them away, I decided to return them to the stylish guy with good taste in jeans and belts.

Me:  Nice plug for yourself. So what did you do?

Monte:  I put them back in my workout bag with a plan to return them to the gym at lunch. I couldn’t help thinking of the guy returning from the shower only to find he had no pants to wear back to work! Everyone at the office thought the guy may have been swimming and had to go into the 20 degree weather with WET swim trunks on.

Me:  Wait. You told everyone in the office before calling me?

Monte:  Yes.

We stare at each other silently.

Monte:  Do you want to hear what the office said?

Me:  Yes.

Monte:  Here are a few scenarios the office came up with about the pantless guy in the locker room:

•He had to drive to the mall in his workout shorts to buy pants so he could return to work.

•He was only wearing a Speedo while swimming and 
just opted to drive home instead of facing walking around the mall
to buy a new pair of pants or into the office basically naked.

•He went to the front desk of the gym and asked for Lost & Found 
looking for his jeans.

•Upon not finding his jeans in Lost & Found he reported them stolen.

•He became irate and vowed to hurt whoever stole his jeans.

Me:  What if he was so desperate for pants that he started rifling through lockers and gym bags for any pair of pants to steal?

Monte:  So I triggered a crime spree? An evil pay-it-forward?

Me:  Yes.

We stare at each other silently.

Me:  How did you return the pants?

Monte:  I was too embarrassed to return them to the front desk because I didn’t want to have to admit that I stole some dude’s pants.

Me:  And tried them on.

Monte:  Right. I placed them on the bench in the locker room near where I found them.

Me:  Did anyone see you?

Monte:  No. I was hoping someone would turn them in to Lost & Found and return them to the guy.

Me:  Wouldn’t it have been funnier if you just returned them to Lost & Found and they could have connected you with the guy and you two could have had a big long laugh about it?

Monte:  NO!!

Me:  Why?

Monte:  NO!! I don’t know. It’s creepy. I wanted to throw them away!

So if may:

I was walking in the gym at lunch
And I saw nothing scary.
For I have never been afraid
Of anything. Not very.

Then I was deep inside the locker room
When, suddenly, I spied them.
I saw a pair of blue jean pants
With nobody inside them!

It goes on:

I said, “To Lost & Found I will return those pants
With nobody inside them.”
I said, and said, and said those words.
I said them. But I lied them.”

Sorry, Dr. Seuss.

And extra special sorry to the man who had to tell his wife the story of why he came home in his gym shorts or a brand new pair of pants. 

But I’d love to hear their side of the story.


  1. LOL, Oh my gosh you two are hilarious! I love it! I would love to hear the other end of that as well. Of course it cannot be quite near as good as the clown outfit story.....but still it has to be funny.

  2. Karmen:

    I SOOOO hope that I get to hear the other side of BOTH of those stories someday!! My interviews with the Goodwill shopping clown and the pantless man…I am laughing already!

  3. Hilarious! I cannot imagine what that other guy did when he discovered that his pants were missing!

    Linking up from Super Sunday Sync-up!

  4. I absolutely love that book, but this is funny! And yes I'd love to hear their side of the story too :)

  5. HA! Cute story!! Poor dude without his pants... and wearing a speedo in the COLD. Really. POOR dude!

  6. LOL!!! Not fun to find your pants missing I bet though. :) Thank you for linking to Super Sunday Sync.

  7. Oh the laughter going on in front of my computer screen! I love this. My first thought was they were left behind by a 14 year old : ) The only thing better was if you would have gotten a picture of your hubby as he stood in the too long pants. Oh Karmen you and your family provide me such joy!

  8. M. D. White8:30 PM

    Here is the subtle art behind this story Karmen...both Andrea and I can TOTALLY see you two having the conversation about the pants. Right down to the facial expressions. Way Too Funny!

  9. MIndy:
    I know! This all had to go down on a day we had off from school so I was still sleeping. Otherwise, I could’ve seen it in person! I still can’t believe he didn’t wake me up…! And HILARIOUS that you thought the pants were left by a 14-year-old! Still no calls about the one missing shoe.

  10. Martin:

    Hahahahaha! I bet you and Andrea could visualize that conversation. Monte used his hands a lot when he talked (of course) and I may or may not have rolled my eyes (of course). UPDATE: as of Monday, the pants were STILL THERE ON THE BENCH IN THE LOCKER ROOM!! What is up with that?!

  11. oh my goodness, this made me giggle. I think I would have just taken them to lost and found LOL. Thank you for sharing at the Thursday Favorite Things Blog Hop . Big Hugs

  12. Katherine,

    I KNOW! I would've taken them to lost and found too! I guess that is the difference between men and women! Thanks for reading! :)


Just Another Rat Story

Happy Summer! Our summer started with Monte and I sitting on the back patio after dinner chatting while a rat ran across our yard. This...