The Pants with No One Inside Them

Remember that Dr. Seuss story about the green pants with no one inside them?

Well…

I was walking in the night

And I saw nothing scary.

For I have never been afraid

Of anything. Not very.

Then I was deep within the woods

When, suddenly, I spied them.

I saw a pair of pale green pants

With nobody inside them!

That used to give me the heebie jeebies!

Monte too.

Later in the story:

I said, “I do not fear those pants

With nobody inside them.”

I said, and said, and said those words.

I said them. But I lied them.

Monte had a incident with a pair of pants with no one inside them.

And it creeped him out. 

Like in the Dr. Seuss story.

He called me from work a few days ago and the first words out of his mouth were,

"Something just happened that is blog-worthy."

Which is basically a signed waiver 

giving me permission to post this.

I asked Monte to write this post from his perspective but he suggested an interview type format instead.

So, here goes.

Me:  What happened?

Monte:  On my lunch break at the gym, I put my work clothes in the locker and my gym bag under the bench in the locker room. After working out and showering, I noticed my jeans and belt on the floor by my bag, which confused me.

Me:  Why did it confuse you?

Monte:  Because I didn’t wear jeans that day, my khakis were in the locker.

Me:  So what did you do?

Monte:  I thought that maybe my jeans were in my bag and had fallen out when I pulled out my workout clothes.

Me:  Did you ever think someone had rifled through your bag?

Monte:  Nope.

Me:  Why is this a blog-worthy story?

Monte:  I was still confused about why the jeans were outside my bag. But I shoved them back in and forgot about it. No big deal. No story…yet.

Me: So…

Monte:  The next day was “jeans day” at work and I pulled the jeans out of my gym bag BUT as I put them on something didn’t feel right. The waist fit right but they were too long. I took them off and looked at them closer and realized that the length was 2 inches longer than I wear and the belt was a little different. These weren’t mine! I realized I was a thief. But not a normal thief--a thief that steals someone’s jeans while they are working out.

Me:  So what did you do with the jeans?

Monte:  I was panicked. My first reaction was to throw them away and pretend it didn’t happen.

Me:  You really wanted to throw them away? In our house?! You never considered waking me up to tell me of the stranger’s pants in our house?

Monte:  No. But I didn't throw them away, I decided to return them to the stylish guy with good taste in jeans and belts.

Me:  Nice plug for yourself. So what did you do?

Monte:  I put them back in my workout bag with a plan to return them to the gym at lunch. I couldn’t help thinking of the guy returning from the shower only to find he had no pants to wear back to work! Everyone at the office thought the guy may have been swimming and had to go into the 20 degree weather with WET swim trunks on.

Me:  Wait. You told everyone in the office before calling me?

Monte:  Yes.

We stare at each other silently.

Monte:  Do you want to hear what the office said?

Me:  Yes.

Monte:  Here are a few scenarios the office came up with about the pantless guy in the locker room:

•He had to drive to the mall in his workout shorts to buy pants so he could return to work.

•He was only wearing a Speedo while swimming and 

just opted to drive home instead of facing walking around the mall
to buy a new pair of pants or into the office basically naked.

•He went to the front desk of the gym and asked for Lost & Found 

looking for his jeans.

•Upon not finding his jeans in Lost & Found he reported them stolen.

•He became irate and vowed to hurt whoever stole his jeans.

Me:  What if he was so desperate for pants that he started rifling through lockers and gym bags for any pair of pants to steal?

Monte:  So I triggered a crime spree? An evil pay-it-forward?

Me:  Yes.

We stare at each other silently.

Me:  How did you return the pants?

Monte:  I was too embarrassed to return them to the front desk because I didn’t want to have to admit that I stole some dude’s pants.

Me:  And tried them on.

Monte:  Right. I placed them on the bench in the locker room near where I found them.

Me:  Did anyone see you?

Monte:  No. I was hoping someone would turn them in to Lost & Found and return them to the guy.

Me:  Wouldn’t it have been funnier if you just returned them to Lost & Found and they could have connected you with the guy and you two could have had a big long laugh about it?

Monte:  NO!!

Me:  Why?

Monte:  NO!! I don’t know. It’s creepy. I wanted to throw them away!

So if may:

Well,

I was walking in the gym at lunch

And I saw nothing scary.

For I have never been afraid

Of anything. Not very.

Then I was deep inside the locker room

When, suddenly, I spied them.

I saw a pair of blue jean pants

With nobody inside them!

It goes on:

I said, “To Lost & Found I will return those pants

With nobody inside them.”

I said, and said, and said those words.

I said them. But I lied them.”

Sorry, Dr. Seuss.

And extra special sorry to the man who had to tell his wife the story of why he came home in his gym shorts or a brand new pair of pants. 

But I’d love to hear their side of the story.