Then This Happened

Tuesday McDaniel turned 15 1/2.

No, we are not celebrating that with any sort of party or anything.

Not that BOTH of my girls haven’t tried 

to get me on board with that years ago.

McDaniel was eligible to get her temporary driver’s license.

Yeah.

Crazy.

She borrowed a DMV book from a friend and studied all weekend.

Thankfully, it was Labor Day so the weekend was longer than usual.

Monte downloaded an app on the iPad that contained 280 possible questions that they asked you in test format.

I sat with McDaniel and tried to help. About 60 questions in, I was ready to surrender my license and never drive again.

THE QUESTIONS WERE RIDICULOUS.

And I’ve been out on the roads.

NO ONE SEEMS TO KNOW THIS STUFF!!

Like, did you know that you can turn left on a red light 

if you are turning ONTO a one-way street 

FROM a one-way street??

I didn’t.

And I’m kind of “who cares?” about it.

The questions were worded in a way that confused even the most basic of road rules. I found myself reading and rereading and then READING OUT LOUD one question before I realized they were talking about the double lines in the center of the road mean no passing.

Duh. 

Just say that, people. 

It shouldn’t be a trick question.

McDaniel is a visual learner, as am I, so Ellie found some model cars around the house and Monte and I went about “acting out” some of the test question scenarios.

Looks like a collision is happening.

We used pens and pencils for lane markers.

It was really helpful.

While all the studying and quizzing and traffic simulating was happening, someone sent McDaniel a video of a miniature lamb hopping around the inside of someone’s house.

As their pet.

It was the cutest thing, really. 

Just as was the picture of the baby monkey girl dressed

with a bow in her fuzzy little hair.

Those eyes.

You say, “Isn’t that cute!” and you move on.

I should’ve realized the wheels were turning inside McDaniel’s head.

This was the girl that teamed up with Ellie to push for a teacup pig.

But I was too busy thinking of the wheels of the vehicular nature.

McDaniel watched the lamb video over and over and convinced herself that it would fit right into our lives here

IN the house.

B-A-A-D idea.

She even did research and discovered that a miniature lamb is just a bear to house train.

As is an actual bear, I’m sure.

So it was recommended that you buy this little lamb (who’s fleece is white as snow),

a baby diaper

making sure to cut a little hole in the back for its tail.

For the love of Pete.

McDaniel’s research also uncovered that if you don’t neuter your little lamb right away

it will develop quite a nasty little temperament along with its horns.

And it could take to ramming you.

And bullying any and all other pets in the house.

I asked McDaniel why in the world she wanted a miniature lamb that would need its diaper changed and could be violent.

She said so she could name it Tom Hanks 

(her favorite actor).

But most importantly,

so people could call her "Old McDaniel".

Well, E-I-E-I-O to that.

McDaniel managed to pass the written driver’s test.

Thank you, Lord!

And then we were sent next door to wait in a super long line to actually get her temporary license.

The sign said the agency closed at 5:00.

It was 4:30 and there were, what seemed like, 487 people in front of us.

I wasn’t sure how this was all going to play out.

The people watching was FANTASTIC.

Especially the older woman working there with really short hair but really long piggy tails that were a different color than the rest of her hair.

Fascinating.

You could see the friendliness and joy drain right out of the workers with each minute that clock ticked closer to 5:00.

With 5 minutes to spare, we were the next in line.

Even though I secretly hoped we’d get fake piggy tails to help us so I could, you know, further assess the situation, 

a young gal told us to step up to the counter.

She was so lovely to us even after she mentioned she was really ready to go home.

We were then sent across the room to get McDaniel’s picture taken.

Another sweet, lovely lady took care of us and gushed over McDaniel’s name.

She even took a couple pictures saying,

“Oh yeah, you are going to be WAY happier with this one!”

Now, that is worth its weight in gold, right there.

It’s official!

On the way home from the license branch,

no, I didn’t let her drive because we had just had a downpour and the roads were quite wet,

McDaniel pointed to a car coming our way.

It was a very old Land Rover.

 The kind you’d only see on safari. 

The metal panels of this vehicle were attempting to shake themselves off individually while traveling down the road at only a moderate speed. 

Not a smooth ride.

At all.

McDaniel announced that was her perfect car.

She’s been doing that a lot.

Remember this FRD that was her perfect car?

Missing the ‘O’ in FORD.
Classy.

She said, 

“Can’t you just see me in that?”

Ellie added, 

“With a lamb in the passenger seat?”

McDaniel, 

her eyes practically turning into hearts, 

dreamily put her hands to her chest and screamed,

“YES!”

For the love of Pete.

From Yard Sale to iPad Mini

Back in May, we had a yard sale.

In fact our entire community had a marketplace event where businesses had sidewalk sales and residents could register their own yard sales.

The city promoted it and provided maps listing each yard sale.

I planned months ahead of time to possibly maybe participate in the event.

But I didn’t want the pressure of HAVING to do the yard sale in case I didn’t get my act together and actually dig out and organize all the stuff we wanted to sell.

So I didn’t register with the city.

As the days got closer to the sale, we decided to motivate the girls by saying that if we made enough money, we’d buy an iPad Mini for the family.

That put McDaniel and Ellie into HIGH GEAR!!

So much so that I found myself saying things like,

“What?! 

You can’t get rid of Bali! 

You’ve had her since you were 3!”

Bali is a ballerina doll that you could slip over
your feet to dance with.

She used to scare the holy heck out of Monte. 

There were just too many memories attached to her. 

McDaniel liked to “watch” TV with Bali and sometimes she just stayed all night on the couch, 

legs crossed, arm propped up on the side of the sofa. 

Monte would come downstairs for breakfast 

and stop dead in his tracks every time 

thinking someone was in the house.

And sitting on our couch.

In a sparkly ballerina outfit.

Sometimes we’d just hang Bali up on a hook in McDaniel’s playroom. She had a handy loop at the base of her neck for just such a purpose.

But when you’d walk into the room, with her big ol’ head slouched over and her legs dangling…

well, it was worthy of a gasp. 

Every.

 Time.

So Bali got pushed into the attic closet. Which is where McDaniel pulled her from and shoved her into a bin marked, “Everything’s $2.00!”

Didn’t seem like enough for a bigger than life doll with such startling capabilities.

Luckily, she didn’t sell!

But now I can’t remember if she went back into the attic closet 

or if Monte won and donated her to Goodwill.

Apparently, it meant a great deal to me since I can’t remember.

Then Ellie pulled out this to sell.

“Not Prayer Bear!"

It’s a prayer bear made by a lady down the street.
There are scripture cards in the front pocket.

The lady down the street gave this to Ellie when she was little along with a bag of costume jewelry to play dress up with.

Ellie made the prayer bear fancy.

Ellie started right away with dressing up Prayer Bear. See the cross necklace and dangle earrings?

I knew right then that Ellie had her very own sense of style.

Just like I did with McDaniel when I found all her stuffed frogs 

on her bed staring back at me wearing fake mustaches.

When Ellie saw my resistance, she quickly agreed and kept the bear.

I know, I KNOW! I wasn’t helping!

The day before the event, I went to a website to get some advice on pricing and displaying our items for the sale.

I got some great tips!

Like putting all our American Girl Doll clothes by outfit into ziploc bags and pricing them per bag. I did that for all our Build-A-Bear clothes too.

(Which we had a surprising amount of, to Monte’s dismay.)

Another tip was to group like items such as stuffed animals into a bin with one sign that says:

“Everything $1.00”.

McDaniel had a thing for frogs.
With or without mustaches.

We also got the tip to put a FREE bin right by the street to draw people in. I put the ugly pillows from our sectional in the basement that were still in great shape but just too firm and unattractive for my taste. I also put random little toys and some home decor that I would’ve donated anyway.

The girls made a big pitcher of lemonade to offer our customers. Unbeknown to us, the girls slipped out a “TIP” jar and they raked in the cash!

The day started out chilly and overcast with a few scattered sprinkles.

We put out little signs at the end of our street and block and we had customers before we were finished setting out all our stuff.

McDaniel got a little wordy with her signs.

My sign said:  YARD SALE with an arrow pointing to our house.

Our first patron was a well-dressed guy in a nice car who bought a bunch of the American Girl doll clothes and the cigar box purse that I took to the Kentucky Derby over 10 years ago. He also pointed to the book page wreath I made and asked,

“What is it?”

Ouch!

We never went more than 15 minutes without a customer for 6 straight hours.

And when we did,

Monte made the girls pretend to be customers, picking through our stuff to entice others driving by to stop in

because that stuff must be good!

The girls pretend perusing.

We sold that trampoline chair for a friend. Ellie
really wanted to buy it. But what is the point of
clearing out if they want to drag stuff back in?!

At the end of a very long day, we had enough money to mostly buy an iPad mini!

The best part is that the girls don’t fight over the computer anymore for homework.

The only con is that now Monte plays soccer every night after work 

and does a lot of nodding 

and fake conversation responding 

while playing.

Hey, wait! 

Maybe I need him to teach me how to play now that college football has started…!

Your List Is On My List

Somehow, I missed summer.

In between too many meetings and waiting for it to get warm already(!?!),

I seemed to have missed it altogether.

Except for our beloved Fripp trip

There is never a bad day on Fripp Island.

and Camp Indiana,

McDaniel and Ellie in my dad’s 1966 Thunderbird.

it really didn’t even feel like summer at all.

What happened to global warming?

Oh wait.

School started last week and now it’s 90-11 hundred degrees.

So that’s how it’s going to be.

On my first full day of freedom to be in my house on my own (yes!),

I got a call from the dentist that they had a last minute cancellation 

and wondered if I wanted to “swing by”.

Dear word, I am not a fan of the dental chair.

Or someone’s fingers in my mouth.

Especially when that someone is wielding a hook thingy 

or a high-pitched humming anything.

But I said, “Sure!” because I needed to go to the dentist for a cleaning and it was pouring rain outside and well, that just seemed to fit.

Someone even cued the thunder just as I was 

walking into the dentist office.

Not. Funny. 

That afternoon the girls came home with enough paperwork for us to read and sign that we felt we were going to pass some serious legislation.

And without the cute “I’m Just A Bill” song.

SOURCE

Speaking of songs,

I woke up early Sunday morning with the great need in my brain to come up with the greatest hits list of Hall & Oates. 

I think I had that jean jacket, John Oates.
 SOURCE

Like there is NO WAY IN THE WORLD I COULD FALL ASLEEP WITHOUT COMPLETING THIS LIST awake.

Monte was no help when I asked him what song I was missing from my list.

To his credit, it was still dark out.

It was much later, when I realized it was “One On One” that I was missing.

Interesting that my brain felt the need to come up with THIS list, 

(not to be confused with “Your Kiss Is On My List”) 

when I was already overloaded with lists of the grocery, school supplies, appointments, meetings and forms variety.

Is there such a thing as a “mental break” list? 

One that actually relaxes the brain rather than overload it?

A “Your List Is On My List” kind of thing?

Among the many, I signed a form for Ellie that agreed that I knew that she was intending to audition for “The Little Mermaid Jr.” musical that her middle school plans to put on in October.

There was a section for scheduling conflicts and “special talents”.

What special talents should a 7th grader have?

Does burping at the dinner table or rejecting any and all 

suggestions made by their parents count?

Then Ellie informed me she was auditioning for the part of Ursula.

The villain.

The octopus villain.

SOURCE

The octopus villain with the deep voice that I briefly had during my bout with the Pioneer Flu.

I felt I could help her with this.

McDaniel felt she could help her too but her version of Ursula 

always pulled too British or too southern. 

Not to brag, but I kinda nailed the read through.

I don’t care what McDaniel and Ellie said.

We practiced for over an hour last night.

Reading her audition lines with just the right inflection and sass

and singing “Poor Unfortunate Souls” until my brain spit out 

every Hall & Oates song list it could ever think of. Ever.

But now I keep humming “I’m Just a Bill”…

could be a long night!

Ga Leor and Galore

A few weeks ago the girls and I spent a few days in Indiana with my parents.

We like to call that Camp Indiana.

Monte deemed it that when we were first married.

He loves visiting Camp Indiana where sandwiches and milk shakes

 just appear without ordering them and time seems to somehow slow down.

I’ll get into more of that later.

We were able to attend church with my parents.

They have a new minister. 

He has an Irish heritage and explained that the word galore is actually from the Irish word ga leor or ga’lore which means plenty or enough. It’s used as the response to “How are you?” 

 “Ga leor” meaning, I have plenty. It's enough. 

It was cool the way he said it with the Irish accent.

That’s a bit different than we typically use the word today.

 The dictionary defines the word as “in abundance”. 

If you hear of a sale with “shoes galore” you don’t think of just enough.

You think MORE than enough--shoes piled up in every size and color and style. 

The pastor went on to compare Jesus feeding the five thousand to Moses. I’d never paralleled the act to God providing manna to the Jews wandering in the desert.

In that case, God only provided what could be used that day, nothing leftover. 

Ga leor. Enough.

But in the case of Jesus feeding the five thousand, he multiplied the 5 small loaves and 2 small fish so much that 12 baskets were filled with leftovers.

Galore! Abundance.

As it usually works with me, our youth pastor, Dave,  preached on this very same subject this Sunday.

Did you know that this particular miracle is the ONLY one listed in all four gospels? Other than the crucifixion, it’s the only story repeated by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

I think God was trying to get His point across.

Dave explained it in terms of missions. And we have ALL been called to be missionaries. He had three points from John 6: 1-13:

1. God will test your faith by pushing you 

outside of your comfort zone. 

The disciples were freaking out about feeding all those people. They thought they’d have to pay for it, knowing they wouldn’t have enough money. They didn’t even ask Jesus to help. 

They just explained how impossible the situation was.

(As a party planner, I can relate to the disciples’ panic just a wee bit!)

2. God calls the church to embody the 

practical compassion of Jesus. 

When Jesus looked at that tired, hungry crowd of 5,000 people, he felt love and compassion towards them. He WANTED to take care of them. We need to pray for God’s eyes for His people in need.

3. God can use what little you have to accomplish 

more than you could ever imagine.

God can make ga leor galore. He lavishes us with his abundant love yet He is always enough.

Smack dab in between these two sermons, I had coffee with a girlfriend I haven’t seen all summer. She talked about a scripture that was on her heart and she wasn’t sure what to make of it:

“The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.”

Matthew 9:37

There was that word plenty again.

I shared the ga leor vs. galore sermon. 

God’s word is so good to bless others even through someone 

who couldn’t remember everything about the galore sermon.

In fact, when a very shocking, morally corrupt situation cropped up later in the week, it was that very friend that shared that sermon right back to me.

God is our “just enough” and our “lavish abundance”.

His grace is sufficient yet He also lavishes it on us richly with all wisdom and understanding.

He is our Shepherd yet he lovingly calls us His children.

I can just picture that scene of 5,000 (not counting women and children, which would have put it at over 10,000 people) sitting on the green hills overlooking the Sea of Galilee, all being fed “more than enough”. Like sheep grazing on a hillside with the loving Shepherd watching over them.

Weekend Observations

Ellie and I took Nigel to the vet Friday.

He had to have his anal glands expressed.

Yeah, that’s a thing.

No one talked about that with Lassie

or Marmaduke

or Snoopy.

Ew.

Carisa told me that’s what he needed the day before 

when he was dragging his behind on the carpet .

She is a dog genius.

But on the way to the vet office, Ellie and I saw this THING pull out from the bike path by our house right in front of us.

It was neon green and the guy on it was wearing a matching neon green helmet that had all the seriousness of Tour De France. (With the aerodynamic pointy back and everything.)

The THING had really high handlebars. So high that his hands were almost shoulder height.

It had a front wheel and a back wheel but they were REALLY far apart to allow for the elliptical type pedaling that was happening in between while he was in the STANDING POSITION.

So. Much. Going. On.

He was working the elliptical part really fast 

for as slow as he was moving.

Ellie asked,

“Is he a villain?”

She went on to say that he reminded her of the Green Goblin from the Spiderman movie.

Source
No disrespect to either party.

I thought that his poor wife clearly had lost a very seriously fought battle. The kind that involved her saying things like,

“Please. Don’t. No! Really! I’m serious!"

And

“Don’t get the neon green. If you MUST order that THING, 

don’t get the neon green!”

And

“A matching helmet? Really?! In the same neon green??!!”

OR

“You won’t be riding it in public, will you? Maybe just a spin to the end of the driveway and back?”

And definitely,

“It costs HOW MUCH??!!”

I just did a little search and as it turns out, it’s not called “The THING”  or “Doofmobile”.

It’s an elliptical bike. 

(Only slightly more descriptive than my names.)

Source
The one we saw was neon ALL OVER. And the
handlebars were taller.

This model cost over $1700 with some models over $3,000.

While on a website for these bikes I found out that July 12th was International Elliptical Bike Day. 

We saw the THING on July 11th, so I bet he was gearing up for the big day.

I wonder if he asked his wife to make a cake.
Or permission to leave the driveway
and actually take the THING on the bike path.

Yesterday morning Ellie and I ran an errand and on the way home we saw some spray painted graffiti in large letters that read:

FIBER.

Really?!

I confirmed that Ellie indeed had seen it too.

It reminded us of the word MOIST graffiti 

we saw in a few different spots in Alabama
over Spring Break.

We pondered the who and why’s of the FIBER graffiti situation.

I noticed it was in close proximity to two nursing homes.

Maybe that was just the kind of tomfoolery and horseplay one can expect from an elderly prankster/graffiti artist.

And there was a bit of a public service message with it too.

Fiber.

It’s good. 

It’s healthy.

It makes a good day great.

So we called Monte to share our funny observation when he asked where the graffiti was.

I explained it looked like a big metal electrical box.

He explained,

“Fiber, as in cable or fiber optics."

Ohhhhhh…!

So it was more of an instruction 

than a public service message.

As in,

“Put fiber cable here."

And just like that, 

all funny images of elderly men or women in cardigans 

giggling in the middle of the night with spray cans in hand, 

one looking out for “the authorities” 

and one doing the spraying, 

were gone.

Sadly.

And yet the words “anal glands expressed”

and the image of Green Goblin riding the THING is clear as a bell.

And still less irritating to me than a recumbent bike.

What’s Been Going On

I haven’t meant to take a blogging break.

But the whole healing neck thing (I’m band-aid free FINALLY)

and 4th of July thing

and the girls needing three meals a day, 

EVERY SINGLE DAY thing.

Well, that has made blogging with any sort of regularity a distant memory,

like finishing any project EVER
without a million interruptions
and questions
and “Moooooommmm!!!!!”s

or wearing a bikini.

Those were the good ol’ days.

And because I’ve had to stop this post 40-11 times to 

look at what McDaniel was drawing, 

help her find a website to draw more stuff, 

help Ellie remember the movies she wants to see in list form, 

help her locate the tent in the garage, 

move the hammock, 

lay out the tent in proper position in the yard 

and pull poop from the dog’s behind, 

I better just upload some pictures QUICK 

before it’s SEPTEMBER before you 

hear from me again!

We went to the zoo the day before the 4th of July, which as it turns out, MOST OF AMERICA did too. Luckily, we went early and got to see the zoo workers herding the flamingos to feed them. They danced when they shook their container of food.

We also saw the workers “walking” a turtle. It was just as painfully slow to watch as you can imagine.

Our zoo finally has giraffes and zebras again!!! 

A few summers ago, my cousin and his family made the drive from Indiana to visit our zoo. They had just one son at the time and when he asked to see the giraffes and zebras, I had to pull aside his mother and explain that, best to my knowledge, our last remaining giraffe had died on the operating table during a routine surgery. 

(Whatever surgery is routine for a giraffe, but you’d bet it would involve the neck, wouldn’t you?)

Then I had to explain that our zebras had been transported to a large field outside of town that was part of a drive-through animal refuge while their habitat was being renovated at the zoo. And one of the zebras didn’t take well to the new scenery and took off head first, as fast as he could go, into a fence post breaking his own neck.

I’m not making this up. 

The other zebras decided that looked like a better deal than waiting on their home renovation, so they followed suit. Terribly sad.

Tragedies aside, our zoo really is wonderful. 

A new habitat called Africa just opened up and I swear, it was as if we were on safari.

And not the kind in northern Ohio with pig races.

No cement, cages, chain-link fences or anything.

It was beautiful!!

A baby giraffe.

 We decided to eat at a restaurant within the Africa exhibit

(I had the most amazing garbanzo bean salad!) 

and look what we could see RIGHT FROM OUR TABLE!!

See the tables inside and the big lion RIGHT OUTSIDE?

Monte played around with some filters on his phone. Isn’t this picture downright artsy?

We kept singing songs from Lion King the entire time we were in the exhibit.

The only thing we didn’t get to do that we will definitely go back to do is ride a camel.

Because I can TOTALLY see myself on a camel.

Then Ellie decided she HAD to have her face painted. She waited in line towering over all the toddlers.

Towards the end of our zoo visit, we started to get hot and the crowds got WAY too intense. When we went to take the boat ride through the Australian exhibit, they told us to come back at 5:30. It wasn’t even 2:00 yet.

We started to feel like this poor chimpanzee.

I love that his eyes were open the whole time.
He didn’t want to nap. He just wanted everyone
to back off already!!!
Ahem.

Then we left the zoo and drove ourselves to a hotel just outside of the city that we OWN A HOME in, and checked right in.

We were supposed to be in Virginia Beach visiting my brother over the holiday weekend

but Arthur decided he wanted to visit too.

Even though it was a quick moving tropical storm/hurricane, we didn’t want to get “caught up” in the 85 mph winds even if for only one day.

So we decided NOT to go, which bummed us all out.

Then Monte came up with a plan to use some of his built-up hotel points and booked us a hotel just outside our city for two nights FREE!!

We bowled on the 4th of July. We almost had the entire place to ourselves.

Red, White & Bowl.

I HAVE to figure out how to put a passcode on my phone!

The staff in the bowling alley must have been bored because we received 4 free arcade cards for little more than showing up on the 4th of July.

Monte made me watch him play a R-E-A-L-L-Y long
Aerosmith song on Guitar Hero. He got into it.

Ellie made me ride this simulation thing that made you feel like you were going to crash into a mountain, a lake or another car. We screamed a lot.

Then we went out to eat and McDaniel made Ellie and I pose pretending to laugh really hard at something.

And pretend to point at something off in the distance.

Then I pretended to choke Ellie.

And then I pretended to choke McDaniel.

We were able to watch 4 or 5 different firework displays from our 6th floor hotel room while in our jammies listening to McDaniel sing patriotic songs into her hairbrush.

Back home, we popped in to see McDaniel’s friend on the job at a pizza joint.

And I made this.

And people actually liked it!

Which is usually NOT the case with my baked goods.

Click here for the recipe .

Ellie actually asked me to make this again for her
birthday. The pressure is on!

We had a series of thunder storms that Nigel did not care for one bit 

as evidenced in the paw print embedded into my leg.

McDaniel got more things stuck in her hair.

I got the gray colored right out of mine. But just in the roots. Which gave me this snazzy look:

That makes me look like I have an unusual slant to
my head.
I might look like something from Star Trek.

McDaniel spotted this beauty on the way home from the grocery store the other day and made me stop.

.

It’s a 1965 FRD (look closely, the O is missing) something something. Not even sure. What I am sure of is that $6,000 price tag. I’m pretty sure there is a lot of rust and no AC too. And I’m also REALLY sure that McDaniel’s $274 in the bank will not bring this almost 50-year-old stunner home with us. 

[Darn]

Then today I get caught up in a cute little guy’s knife sales pitch that could win him a college scholarship if I just let him give me his presentation and then 10 names of friends and in between cutting rope with paring knives and melting ice with ice cream scoops and watching videos on his phone of him throwing a watermelon onto a knife and it slicing right in half,

I keep hearing my front door open and close and people rushing up and down the stairs and my phone buzz with texts in the room next to me.

While the cute little guy was cleaning up,

I checked my phone and found this:

McDaniel does have two legs.

Apparently today at Chick-Fil-A, you could receive chicken for FREE if you dressed up like a cow. That was all McDaniel and our neighbor Claire had to hear to make this the plan of their day.

And I’m pretty sure that was one of Monte’s undershirts.

I was not at all surprised as these were the same girls that years ago spent hours making a pickle costume out of lawn refuse bags that McDaniel wore in the front yard while Claire screamed, 

“Pickles! $1.00! Get your pickles for $1.00!”

To anyone who walked or drove by.

And we did not have any pickles.

So, what’s been going on with you?