More Procedures for Monte

Day #19

Monte’s “little procedure” on his nose this past summer had a nice side effect.

The good kind--for once.

He met his insurance deductible.

That’s a new phenomenon for us so Monte decided to take advantage and schedule some other procedures he was due for.

A colonoscopy and a scope for his esophagus 

(whatever “oscopy” that’s called).

Monte scheduled the procedures some time ago.

He spent Monday on a liquid-only diet, which is why Monte didn’t go on an official college visit with McDaniel and I.

He knew he’d be weak 

and hangry 

and in no condition to evaluate an institution of higher learning.

McDaniel and I got home from the tour right before Monte had to begin his procedure prep for the colonoscopy.

It was so much better than the prep he had to go through over 10 years ago.

And it didn’t make him gag!

I didn’t want to make a dinner in front of him that he couldn’t eat, so we all went out and left Monte with the effects of his prep.

Since Monte was having two procedures, 

I assumed there was going to be a lot of time in the waiting room.

I was not going to make the same mistakes 

I did during the nose procedure.

I brought my laptop, phone charger, a book,

loaded my purse with protein bars and mints

and brought cash for the vending machines.

The office was on the other side of the city from us so we left in more than enough time to get there.

We were the only people in the office when we got there.

I spread out and got my entertainment all set up with wifi passwords.

They called Monte back and said I’d be allowed to wait with him once they got him settled.

As it turns out, getting him settled took just a few minutes.

I had to pack up all my things and walk back with the nurse.

Monte was in a gown, hooked up to an IV and lying in a hospital bed.

Monte is "showing a little shoulder" due to a broken snap on his gown.

We met lots of different people that would be a part of each procedure. 

Our friend, Mark, was doing the colonoscopy.

He held up a protein shake container and said he was going to be the doctor

 that admits he just had a liquid lunch.

Monte had a liquid lunch the day before but it consisted 

of orange gatorade and ice tea.

That protein shake was basically 

a steak in milkshake form.

Monte was having the scope and the colonoscopy back to back.

Or side to side as it turns out.

When they were ready to wheel him into the procedure room,

they sent me with my bags 

plus a plastic bag full of Monte’s clothes, 

back to the waiting room.

I got out my laptop and a protein bar.

I’d barely finished the last bite when the first doctor was ready to talk to me in a private room about Monte’s esophageal scope.

I had to pack up EVERYTHING once again.

The doctor told me they had to stretch 

Monte’s esophagus with a balloon.

Of course, I immediately wondered 

what color the balloon was.

But I didn’t ask.

He said I could stay in that room while the colonoscopy was being done and they’d come get me when Monte was finished.

I unpacked things again.

This wait was only slightly longer.

Mark came to get me and said everything was okay and they gave Monte a lot of anesthesia because he stirred a few times during the procedure and he didn’t want him to remember anything and then bring it up the next time we were all having dinner together.

He led me to Monte, curled up in a bed sleeping with one eye partially open.

Which is freaky since Nigel sleeps like that sometimes.

But he’s a dog.

I tried to close Monte’s eye.

Mark assured me it was just the effects of the drugs.

It made it look like he was on the verge of saying something 

but he was out.

The nurse nudged him a few times and said,

“Marty! Marty?”

I explained that he wouldn’t answer to that 

since his name is Monte.

Monte stirred all at once, grabbed the oxygen in his nose and yanked it out forcefully.

He asked where he was and why I was there.

Apparently, I was there to move room to room 

with three bags of stuff 

that like a ding-dong 

I kept unpacking only to have to repack 

and move three minutes later.

Later he told me he thought he was 

still in the procedure room 

and wondered why I was there too.

Monte was in and out of sleep for awhile.

Mark told me that some soft eggs would be a good first meal for Monte and gave me directions to the closest Waffle House.

The last time Monte had a colonoscopy, 

he immediately ate a cheeseburger and a chocolate shake 

and then promptly threw it up in the Bob Evans’ bathroom.

Eggs sounded like a MUCH better option.

Monte rolled over on his back and very LOUDLY asked to sit up.

The nurse rushed over to prop him up and asked if he wanted something to drink.

The sedation must’ve messed up Monte’s sense of volume because he practically screamed,

“YES!”

A little later, he asked for GRAHAM CRACKERS AND A GINGER ALE like he was shouting over a jet engine.

The nurse looked at me and suggested Monte might not be ready for the public and to make him eggs at home.

She may or may not have said she feared his screaming would be misunderstood.

At Waffle House?

That’s the one place I’d feel pretty comfortable 

taking a still-sedated man with volume control.

I pulled the car up close to the building so the nurse could push Monte in a wheelchair, holding his ginger ale with a bendy straw, still hollering something about GRAHAM CRACKERS.

She reminded me to keep a hand on him because he was still wobbly.

I’m pretty sure I saw the nurse sigh in relief as we pulled away.

I decided right then that she got paid for this 

and I did not 

and I’d be making those eggs at home.

I didn’t drive to the medical office so I asked Siri to give me directions home.

I questioned her advice right away.

As I should.

Monte grabbed the phone and told me which way to go.

Under sedation, Monte’s sense of direction 

was still better than mine.

Even if his volume was turned up to11.

Once home, Monte ate four scrambled eggs, three pieces of toast and a turkey and cheese panini.

He woke up this morning in a great mood, filled with ALL THE THOUGHTS and questions about new laptops, current events, what I thought of a certain political cartoon, he read me a few emails, showed me a few texts…

but his volume was normal,

so all is right in our world.