How Going to the Dentist Reminded Me of Marriage

I went to the dentist yesterday.

The hygienist asked if I’d noticed any “issues” with my teeth.

I decided to admit that I’d had some pain in the lower gum area by my jaw teeth.

I was also quick to confess that Monte brought home 

a big bag of taffy and a few boxes of Bit o’ Honey 

and I’d been hitting both pretty hard.

He was so proud of his purchases, he sent me a picture from the store.

I was ecstatic.
It’s the little things, people.
Especially when the little things are sweet and sticky and chewy.

Back to the dentist chair…

The hygienist, who is the most cheerful, bubbly personality ever,

seriously, she could make Santa seem like a dry wit,

let me know that with my history of dental work, 

my days of sticky, chewy candy are over.

[Insert sad music here]

Then she told me stories of people pulling out their crowns with candy.

Some less fortunate ones swallowed their crowns,

sifted through their own waste to find their swallowed crown,

then brought the crown back into the dentist so it could be 

PUT BACK INTO THEIR MOUTH.

I’m pretty sure my jaw hit the floor when she told me that last part.

“Oh, we sterilize it before putting it back in.”

She said.

Matter of factly.

Like digging in your own ka-ka for your tooth 

is something that can really ever be scrubbed clean

from your memory

or your soul.

I .

Can’t.

Even.

Luckily, everything was just fine and I had no cavities or permanent damage, just a slight pulling away of my gums from my cow-like chewing.

Classy.

I called Monte on the way home to tell him of my new taffy and Bit O’ Honey-less diet.

I told him under no circumstances 

would I EVER 

put something in my mouth that came out of my behind.

I didn't care the cost!

He assured me that he’d spring for a new crown if such a need arose.

Good man.

You know, it’s this type of situation that needs to be brought up in premarital counseling.

Like flash cards presented to the betrothed:

Quick! If your wife pulls off her crown and swallows it 

with some salt water taffy do you:

A) Buy her a new crown, no hesitation?

B) Wait it out and see if the crown “turns up”?

Because knowing how frugal Monte was (and still is), 

before we were married, his stance could’ve easily leaned toward 

pushing me to pull on the kitchen gloves 

and dig for my lost crown to save several hundred dollars.

And I am here to tell you, 

this is KEY information a bride-to-be needs.

Key.

Along with:

Who will clean up the vomit when the kids are sick?

Who will plunge the toilets when things are shoved in it 

that don’t belong?

Who will pull the ball of hair out of the drain that is so big 

you will think it’s a mouse for just a second?

Who will empty the mouse traps?

Who will go see what the noise is downstairs at 4:00 am?

Who will tolerate being awakened in the middle of the night 

to hear of a dream in which the other has no arms?

Who will call the fire department when there’s a 

strange noise coming from your fireplace?

Who won’t make the other feel bad when the 

strange noise was just her microphone toy?

I think I’m on to something here. 

Giving an engaged couple a flash card deck of “Who Will…?” questions BEFORE the I do’s are said will show them important sides of each other that they didn’t know existed.

But most definitely NEED to know exist.

That is unless you want to risk it and 19 years later

be forced to go through your own waste 

and literally become a “potty mouth”.

Just saying.