That Time I Almost Died in Whole Foods

I guess I always thought there was a good chance I'd die in a Whole Foods parking lot one day.

It's truly the most dangerous, out of control, let's-make-this-whole-parking-and-driving-
thing-up-as-we-go-place I've ever been.

Don't get me started on the electric cars 

that MAKE NO SOUNDS 

as they whip out of a parking space 

unannounced right in front of you.

I heard this song some time ago a guy wrote about the Whole Foods parking lot. So I'm not the only one with all these feelings about it. WARNING: There is a bit of language at the end.



When my oldest daughter first got her license, the Whole Foods parking lot was OFF LIMITS.

It really does dig deep into all the meanings of "defensive driving."

Maybe Ellie's "Norm MacDonald" driver's ed teacher SHOULD take students to the Whole Foods parking lot. 

It could be a lesson on how NOT to drive 

or that our country is just a vending machine spitting out driver's licenses 

to people who really can't drive.

All in cars with lots of bumper stickers.

Granted, our Whole Foods is close enough to our house that we could walk, which we do A TON when the weather permits.

But being as we live in OHIO, the weather does not consistently permit.

So I have to drive.

In complete contrast to the nightmare in the parking lot, INSIDE Whole Foods is a pleasant, esthetically satisfying time.

Except on Friday evenings when they do a wine tasting.

But that's a rant for another day.

I had a plan for dinner the other night that Ellie gave a big ol' thumbs down to.

I quickly put together a different plan that required me to get just a few things from Whole Foods.

It had been raining and storming all day. 

It was so wet that I saw an actual duck, soaked to the bone, fly out of my neighbor's yard.

But it had stopped.

Perfect time to make a run for my life in the Whole Foods parking lot.

I was quickly knocking out my list and humming along to whatever music was playing in the store when my phone rang.

It was Monte. He told me to hurry because the tornado sirens were going off 

and he didn't want me driving in, well, a tornado.

The ambiance and music was so pleasant

 that I didn't hear the sirens!

As I started unloading my cart at the check-out, I noticed how dark it was outside and how hard it was raining.

I was taken a little off-guard because I HAVE IMAGINED what my death 

in the Whole Foods parking lot would look like. 

 I've seen the whole thing played out.

But dying INSIDE a Whole Foods?

Hmm.

I didn't see that one coming.

The cashier was super chill and asked me about my day and what I was making for dinner. She scanned each item with the urgency of a slow sloth.

I kept nervously looking outside so she'd get the hint. 

Danger was coming! Seek shelter! Assume the tornadic position!

I resisted the urge to scream,

"HURRY THE FREAK UP!"

As I walked away, I heard the woman behind me tell the cashier about the tornado and her need to hurry and the cashier said,

"Oh, those sirens are never right."

Poor Sloth's going to die inside 
a Whole Foods for sure!

I got soaked getting to my car (after a car almost hit me, for the love of Pete!) and practically blown away getting into the house.

The lights flickered several times as we started dinner but the tornado warnings were called off and it went back to just good ol' thunder storming.

And I lived to tell the tale.