Chairs from the Curb: The Education of Driving

Ellie is learning to drive.

She has completed the classroom portion and just finished the in-car part of driver's ed right before Spring Break.

The in-car driving was two hours long each session with an instructor and pretty much trial by fire.

Monte had driven with Ellie but she was pretty anxious so the sessions never lasted more than 10 or 15 minutes.

She begged me to take her driving but I told her I wanted her to get a little more experience under her belt before I risked the integrity of my blonde highlights.

It's a financial thing.

Plus, I had blown it with McDaniel letting her drive my big SUV

WAY before she was ready.

We went to pick up Ellie from golf practice

and McDaniel almost took out EVERY mailbox on the way.

Driver's Ed scene from "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day."
Great movie.

I wasn't going to make the same mistake.

Ellie's first driving session didn't go super well.

For starters, I watched her park at the end of her session with the instructor and she pulled in pretty hot and slammed on the brakes. Hard.

She blamed the old car she's learned to drive in for having stomp-it brakes.

I told her she better get used to driving old cars.

Princess is not getting anything new until she's buying.

I once had a car catch on fire

while I was waiting at a fast food drive-through window.

Yes, I waited until I got my order

before I drove across the street to a mechanic.

And yes, the fast food worker pointed out that my car was on fire.

Like I didn't notice.

Ellie said there was lots of yelling and the instructor had to use the brake on his side of the car during her sessions. A lot.

She was given a little book to take to each session that he wrote comments in.

When I picked her up after her first session, she read it to me.

I stopped hearing clearly after "doesn't know right from left under pressure" and "turned from a non-turning lane."

She reassured me that she's a good driver but the instructor is just picky.

When I asked what he's picky about she replied with finger air quotes,

"Stopping at railroad tracks to see if a train is coming."

Dear word, she's going to kill the driver's ed guy!

Ellie told me that he's been doing this for 29 years.

29 years of stomping a brake from the passenger side of the car.

29 years of antacids.

29 years of telling someone to turn right only to have them turn left FROM A NON-TURNING LANE.

29 years of almost getting hit by a train.

29 years of seeing your life pass before your eyes.

Ellie said he's pretty laid back, reminds her of Norm MacDonald and has a million stories of people doing it worse than her.

One story was actually about her friend.

During her in-car, the instructor asked her to fill up the car with gas.

That was something she'd never done before.

He walked her through the process but failed to tell her to wait until the pump was off to pull out the gas nozzle.

She sprayed gasoline everywhere and made the long list of stories the instructor now tells in the classroom portion of driver's ed.

I told Ellie to make that her new goal.

DO NOT make the long list of stories

the instructor will tell in class.

When I was pulling into the high school parking lot for Ellie's next in-car, I turned left in a "turn right only" area (I swear I've NEVER seen that sign before) and I accidentally ramped the curb.

She gave me the side eye and told me it was

all starting to make sense to her now.

I do recollect a faint memory of my driver's ed teacher

popping Rolaids while I drove.

But then again, we used to do in-cars with 3 people at a time.

One of the girls in my group did not have a good handle on speed or turns and we ended up off the road and in a field.

Thank goodness I grew up in a rural area.

I remember holding hands with a girl in the backseat and praying out loud.

None of us thought we were making it out alive.

GOD BLESS those driving instructors!

They must have steel running through their veins and lining of their stomach.

They are doing a job that I could not do. I put that right up there with skyscraper window washer and tree trimmer where they swing willy nilly from a rope in the air with a chainsaw.