One More Robot

Monte LOVES technology.

He's an early adapter when it comes to anything technological.

He is a beta tester for for Apple's new 

iPhone operating systems.

Yeah, that's a thing.

He treats every new technology as his own "A Christmas Story" major award fish net leg lamp.

And I'm left to not "accidentally break it" while dusting.

Monte has to download new operating systems on my phone while I sleep because I would never agree to it.

This old dog does not give three hoots about learning new tricks.

This summer,

WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE, 

Monte ordered a new thermostat called The Nest 

that links with your phone to control the temperature in your house.

Supposedly, it picks up on your patterns of heating and cooling and intuitively, turns on and off the thermostat for you.

Like, if you like to sleep in a cooler temperature, yet eat breakfast warmer.

Monte sees this as freedom from not getting up in the middle of the night to change the temperature when I put my ice cold feet on him to warm up.

I see this as another example of robots taking over our lives and somehow, some way one of us is going to have our identity stolen because of The Nest.

Or we will be murdered in our sleep by thermostat robots.

Which is why Monte bought it WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE.

He loves it so much.

He sits in bed at night and changes the thermostat because he can.

When he was out of town on business, he texted me goodnight and I mentioned the temperature had really dropped that night.

I heard the heat kick on for the first time in months.

Monte, using The Nest, turned on our heat from Pennsylvania!

Show off.

I leave The Nest alone. I've tried to change temperatures a few times but I can never seem to get it to work. I have yet to use my phone to change it.

I've chalked it up to another robot hating me like Siri and Alexa.

But thank goodness The Nest doesn't talk.

Several weeks ago, Monte secretly opened a package he'd received and started acting very mysterious.

I got distracted and forgot about it.

The next morning he announced that he had installed The Nest's smoke alarm and that it might "talk to me" during the day as it was being set up.

Nope.

I made it very clear that if a robot lady starting talking to me suddenly and randomly in the middle of the day from the hallway,

I wouldn't handle it well.

Just like Alexa always piping in her two cents 

when Nigel and I were trying to enjoy a quiet day 

while the girls were at school.

I had a very vivid dream the other night that I walked down to the kitchen in the morning to see a man asleep in the hammock in the backyard.

The next morning the same man was asleep on the chair on our patio, closer to the house.

Each time, I'd turn on the outside lights and he'd run away.

Monte suggested, in the dream, that we get The Nest's security system since there were cameras with it.

Each time, I'm like,

"Are you even kidding with the more robots?!"

When I told Monte this dream he said it was true that The Nest had just come out with a security system with cameras and he didn't bring it up to me because he never thought I'd ever go for it.

He's right. 

Creepy sleeping guy or not, 

I can't handle anymore technology.

And I'm starting to wonder if Monte yammers on to me 

about new technology while I sleep because 

HOW DID I SUBCONSCIOUSLY KNOW ABOUT THE NEST SECURITY SYSTEM?!

I host a mother's prayer group in my house once a week.

Three seconds after everyone had left after prayer, I blew out the candles in the bathroom and the kitchen.

Suddenly and loudly a robot lady announced that smoke had been detected and that an alarm would soon be sounding and that it was going to be LOUD.

I thought to myself,

"That's what the robot wants my take away to be? 

Brace yourself for a loud sound? 

Not, run!? 

There's a fire!? 

And it will be HOT!?"

I instantly hated the smoke alarm robot lady.

I grabbed my bible (it was handy and it made practical sense, don't you think?) and started wildly fanning the smoke alarm as the loud sound, along with a flashing light that I wasn't warned about,  started doing their things right in my face.

The robot lady said a few more things but I couldn't really hear them because of the LOUD alarm.

I grabbed a chair and started pushing and pressing every part of the alarm.

It worked and turned off.

Before I could even put the chair back where it belonged, 

my phone rang.

I knew it was Monte before I even looked.

The Nest is connected to our phones.

"Our" meaning mine AND Monte's.

He was already informed that there was a fire.

I told him the smoke alarm robot lady was a liar.

And I was REALLY glad that didn't happen during prayer.

Strike one, smoke alarm robot.

And I'm keeping my stink eye on you too, The Nest thermostat.